The Three Girls

And then I am grabbed again by moments of total ignorance and camouflaged self pity by my total inefficiency of self known. You see, a human can pass through a lot of shit and indeed can learn and upgrade itself to another situation total “be ready” for another new mistake.

When you are afflicted by relationships for a long row, I mean, every time a lady get out your side seat, you keep it warm with another lady butt. And you keep the dance of butts an seats extending your real agony while you forget what passes inside your upper head to shove down some damp hole your downer head.

That’s the middle man situation. And this is what I try to run from most part of my life. My lonely walk towards the world of me showed me that I act like a social tool of summarized thoughts. I overthink and I’m “overlazy” to talk out every stuff my brain spit out. So I smile. And hug people. In the end I just want to drink some water and give empty smiles or even leave. You may read empty as something bad, but why do I have to give a full smile in a world of middle mans.

We are all living, loving and acting like if we were gods blessed with something unique. And in the end we got nothing more or even less that a middle man can get: middle achievements.

So life is a twisted knife. And when you “sell your car” and buy a motorcycle to get rid of the side seat of hell, the twisted life presents you the croup.

Yes, lady’s and gentlemen’s. Maybe I’m cursed with love again. I would not call it love, I would call it twisted passion. It is the mirror of soul kind of love. You see in someone else what you want on yourself. Let me tell you my sad story of stupidity and “middleness”:

The three girls

In later years I met a lot of trouble for my life. But as twisted life can be, with poison it gives also the antidote. And I saw another lovely lady that “platonically“ jumps on my croup. It all happened in a party. With ugly people and dearest friends. I was dancing drunk as someone might be in company with dear friends. And that was a fatty unknown lady trying to seduce every single piece of male in the dance floor. With my rotted mind I called the fatty sweat lady to a breakdown dancing moment. When I finished my magic steps of pure Latino Travolta B, the lights brightened my body and I noticed, straight in front of me, being watched by the most beautiful lady I could ever contemplate in this motherfucker city. She was gazing my shameful moment of stupidity. Which I used as my tool for approximation and short chat. Nothing gallant at all, but pulled a smile on her face. While the fatty lady was almost dead somewhere. I was blessed. And a mutual friend talked to me secretly: she is single.

But as twisted life can be, she was not. She was into some kind of love relationship with deals that just the couple understands at all. But every one assured me: she moved to the city for the guy, you lose, warchild.

I would not give a damn for people blabbers. But I was not in a situation where I could simple try anything. And, “human energy” speaking, the girl was important to me as the days was passing by. From her, I receive only sincere vibrations. And I made a strong bond with her. So that is why she is platonically seated in the croup. That way was the safer and fair I could act with myself.  Please, understand. By the time being there was still no one at my croup, but if it was intended to be someone there, this someone have to be ranked as that platonically girl. Or above. So this is the first girl.

So I was happy again. Smiling for life. Troubles and troubles beating on my door answered with empty smiles and bottles of water. I could not be more happier.  Until I met another awesome girl. She makes me smiles inside. I just feel like watching her all day, quietly. But she is gone. She is not dead or something. But she acts like it. What really bothers me in the start was that I was the will explosion worked in sincere long messages. And she was there. Online. On side. And do not read it. Pretending to not see it or something like that. Until she finally read it and answer with weighted long messages with a pinch of consideration and affection. My next messages, as you can imagine, was more weighted while my negative mind was: it is over man, let’s drink. This was the second girl. A fast and explosive passion with nothing really happening.

And then I met another girl. Yeah, I’m a love machine, uh? But this one kind kills me.  She is alright. A bit mad and underground for my taste. But I never felt so drained in my entire life. While I was with her I just wanted to leave. And that is kind of sad because the girl, apparently, was happy. And, apparently, is a good person. When I left her at her home I died. Slept all day. Walked 12km to sweat the bad vibes out of me. I stand three days cursed. I really believed that I would never make sex again in my life. As cultural known people may say: you get what you gives. I have to disagree a bit. It is kind like eye for an eye, but unconscious.

As twisted life can be, she makes you feel the taste of what you suffer, but in the other side. It is like justice, but no. Lets exemplify it. A lady got her son killed. The killer was arrested. And she claimed justice and the killer got death penalty. With the assistance of the state, the lady turned out to be a killer herself. But common, laws bla bla. Ok. And the killer, in the end, got what he gives.  Ok, this was a terrible example. But just got the feeling of the lady and we are good. Ok, proceding.

The second girl was there. Pretending not to see the messages. And I was there doing kind of the same thing with third girl. Got it? Yeah. Twisted, uh? I can not even protest. So I used the “second girl shoes” and maybe I was a burden for her. Maybe I killed her energies. Maybe she does not want to see me nevermore. And ok, it is fine. But it kind hurts the way my mind stayed attached to this situation. I mean. Why I cannot act like myself with people I like? Why do I have to explode and give myself in a tray? And why things that make me bad somehow endures?

I think that I want to people get what I feel in a sincere way and overdo it trying being closer. And repels every single one with it. The hedgehog dilemma.

When I was a kid –there it goes…- I really loved a girl. I sent her flowers almost every week. But I do not ever said a single word for her. My friends at the time warned me: “don’t say that you love her, she will tear your heart up. She is a monster with lovers”

And that’s how the trick was done. I was in love with my lil monster. I would not bother her. Just love the way she was in my innocent view.

I grew up and things started get complicated inside my mind. And I started writing things for her. The same way I do with this blog. Kind stupid, but I was a kid. C’mon. There was no experts in life at my age, even if the kids at that time think they were. In a matter of fact, every one that thinks that are expert in something relative (as life) are not – maybe just Einstein.

When I felt insecure writing things for her. I stopped. And learned that the best thing to be said to someone, maybe, is something you don’t ever say.

Now with my 27.9 years I finally understand what was my innocent love. Nowadays she is kind of dating, and this finally breaks the spell. Yeah, stupid again, but works. I do not love her, I loved the way people tell me about her. The way I want to be myself. Here in my city I am the naked hug man. Celebrating everyone with great party hellos. But inside of me I am the kind of guy of “beware, he bites”. The fact that I ever wanted to be more  discrete make me love the girl. This love also teach me a lot about “emulation” and “comparison” along the years. And I am really glad I “loved” this girl for so much time. It transform me into a –somehow- smarter person, but unfortunately, an overthinking person…

The second girl dilemma, again. In the end it was even more drastic. I really though that she was into something bad in her life. Some love disappointment… or something like that. She was avoiding people cause she was not so good with herself. So I was ok with anything. She was in the city for one more week. She said that maybe would leave in a specific day. And maybe would call to hangout for a last farewell. I tried to give all the space for her to call me with free will (sincere). I don’t even secretly organize anything with mutual friends or stuff. Inside I really feel that I would never saw her again. And in this time not a single message was traded between ourselves. It was ok.

Even when her friend said me that the second girl stayed in the city for almost a week more than she told me before.  It is kind sad when you want to see someone for a last smile and this doesn’t happens. But it was ok. I respect her will.

And with the first girl on the croup it was almost impossible for the twisted life and my subconscious try to sabotage me.

Hah.. But exactly in this moment twisted life acts again. Suddenly appears the third girl. And it also appeared the fourth and fifth girl. Yeah! Hell what. The fourth girl is kind the same energy as the third. And the fifth girl is married. Yes. Married. So, after I met the second girl I was overflowed with dark energies, putting my body and mind on the ground. I was empty. There was still a flashing point of good energy on me. The second girl? Yes, she was my last  remembrance of good energy. And she was gone. I put my project on the side. And was at life trying to emulate her energy with other girls. Life was toying with me. And I was falling. But after the third girl, I regrouped myself. I don’t even start anything with fourth or fifth girl. I just run! Haha

One day I saw something that reminds of the second girl, she was already in her city. Bu I sent her anyways; she answered. I replied, asking how things are up. And nothing. Later on she answer something like: “in the busyness of life. Kisses” And then I overthink. A delayed message, polite in the content. With a dot. Dot means the end of a phrase. Kisses means a social farewell goodbye. Dot and kisses are the ultimate final dot. So it was the ultimate final tip for myself that she was ok with her life, but I was really a burden for her. And that’s make me bad. I never wanted to be a burden for anyone. In fact everyone is a burden for me. And I am right there stood with a stupid smile. Hanging with people I don’t want to be.

I was completely empty. Trying to figure what made me so disgusting for her. Maybe some mutual friends talk some shit. Or maybe I am really a shit of energy sucker. Or probably I said something dumb (the most usual). I don’t know. But the feeling that girls think I want to marry them, just kills me. I don’t even remember the fucking kiss so fast that was. But still have her energy on me. It is weird. I miss her.

In a rampage of stupidity I get out my virtual life. And I notice that I was blasting against society something that was my fault. And I finally understand what attached me in this girl. Is the ability of being gone. Right now I’m really attached to a project I’m doing. And the ability of being gone socially was happening with me for the sake of this project. This was my ultimate weapon against twisted life. And life used it against me. Life takes my weapon from my hands and make me desire for her. And used a yo-yo of energy… bang! Worked like a charm.

The tremendous fear of losing the second girl and the last drop of good energy drives me mad. In my mind I was being a fool for every single one. A toy for the first girl. A tool for the friends of the second girl. A burden to the second girl. An evil motherfucker for the third girl… an so on. I take myself out of reach of anyone. I was gone. And I finally could see that things are ok.

The first girl is nice. She is a younger happy person that makes me happy.

I miss the second girl. She was the first mature person that appeared in my life since the disastrous 2012. And she makes me fine. Unfortunately I may be a burden for her trying being closer. So it is a sad and cold farewell. And the third girl… she does not make me bad. But the fact that I can act like a bad person with anyone did.

In the end, the answer for everything is me. And how strong and disciplined my focus for the project is. Energy comes later.